It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
