I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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