i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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