like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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