Well apparently he's into motor boating.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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