my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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