Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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