I just saw a hot homeless man
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
