We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
