She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I believe in your delicious
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
