Just cropdusted the office
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
