So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
