Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
