im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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