So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I looked at my own cervix.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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