like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
