It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm too high and old for this...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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