I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
