shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
