I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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