Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
