Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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