Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
