They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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