I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
