Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
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Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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