When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
