standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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