I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Your cock deserves a montage
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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