i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
