I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
