I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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