Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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