That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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