went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Pants are for mortals
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
