hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is very pro this idea
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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