u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
