I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
