im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
