I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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