I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
