just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
