New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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