I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
