i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
