Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
