Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
