Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
