and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
