Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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