dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
