i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There's always time for handjobs
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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