A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
