it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
