Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
