My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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