He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
