i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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